


Maudit Garçon

by Anonymous



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Five, Alternate Universe, Canon Compliant, Emotionally Repressed, Everyone is Trying to be Better, F/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I Wrote This for Me but I Guess You Can Read it, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Season 01, Touch-Starved, Very OOC, five has a thing for rome because i said so, five isn’t a complete asshole mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:28:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25568257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Five had never been fond of anyone in his entire life. Fifty-eight years of stone cold hatred for everyone but Delores, and it was exhausting. From the minute he woke up to the second he laid his head down, all he felt was apathy.That was the case until he re-met his siblings.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves/Luther Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Allison Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Klaus Hargreeves
Comments: 2
Kudos: 106
Collections: Anonymous





	Maudit Garçon

**Author's Note:**

> tw: mentions of suicide, sexual assault/harassment/r*pe, pedophilia, substance abuse

Five had never been fond of anyone in his entire life. Fifty-eight years of stone cold hatred for everyone but Delores, and it was exhausting. From the minute he woke up to the second he laid his head down, all he felt was apathy.

That was the case until he re-met his siblings.

It’s a complicated story, and Five barely knows how to tell it. Nobody knows how to tell it, really. It begins with an abusive father, rising action as Five disappearing and living a life in the future as all of his siblings become estranged from one another, climaxes when said father dies to bring them back together to stop the apocalypse, and resolves with the world saved. The end, _ c’est la vie _ .

But now with seven adult-looking emotionally guarded children all under the same roof, some things needed to be worked out. Who goes grocery shopping? Who watches the finances? Who decides what movie they’re watching after dinner?

Five couldn’t say that he hated his family, but he had a strong distaste for anything gooey and loving, as created by his father. They all seemed to crave affection and attention, whereas Five shied away from it. Vanya, Allison, and Klaus all seemed to cuddle up under one blanket on the good couch while Five preferred the uncomfortable single chair. Hell, even Diego would pull Luther’s head into his lap and play with the larger man’s hair on the love seat. 

It wasn’t that Five wasn’t capable of love or affection, it was just that he had had enough life experience without it and learned to be okay with the losses. The Handler had personally made sure he would be sated if he wanted, but after the first time using her services, he never wanted it. Reginald Hargreeves made it impossible for Five to exhibit his emotions, and despite himself, he could never unlearn the behavior.

His siblings didn’t have a space where they could grow up. Hell, Luther didn’t even leave until his father made him leave, and that was outside of the planet. Allison was always in the public eye with no breaks. Diego had his job, his girl, his life outside of the Academy, so it didn’t make that much sense to want to be together, but he shared the lack of sibling relations when he was younger. Vanya’s book pushed her farther away than she had ever been to the family, and it stung, but on the other side of that same coin she felt free of the lies she was living so she was somehow the most normal. Ben... well, Ben was gone.

Klaus was the family fuck-up.

Five didn’t think less of Klaus for being an addict. He actually thought Klaus was more badass for being able to go against Reginald’s mold for a perfect child and still look the man in his face. Five also realized part of his relapses had to do with his PTSD and other trauma which Five could understand very well.

Five liked Klaus the best, but he would never say it. He tried to spend as much time with Klaus to show that someone cared for him, and also to try to hold him accountable for his sobriety. Klaus often called him a  _piss-wet blanket_ before pouting and using his drug money elsewhere.

Klaus didn’t spend much time in the Academy, so neither did Five. They went to the places in New York where they’d never been allowed to go before like Central Park and the Statue of Liberty. Five bored Klaus on the way over on the Ellis Island Ferry, but Klaus listened intently until he literally could not sit any longer or he’d explode. They walked and talked.

Allison kept trying to get Five to go out with her and Vanya, to which he denied because he didn’t really want to talk about other people or his feelings. Allison told him he was a prick for thinking that’s all girl talk was, but he shot her a glance that made her give up instantly.

She tried again, instead with Diego. Five explained that Diego constantly made fun of Five for being disabled  _especially because you’re not even twenty-one_.  Allison immediately called Diego and left the room to have a thorough conversation about the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990.

Allison tried  again  to get Five out of the house for some quality time, and in this particular instance, she invited Luther. Five denied immediately and with vigor because he really didn’t want to be subjected to being the third wheel. Allison went red. “Does everyone know?” Five only grimaced and nodded his head.

“And you don’t care?” she continued. “Well, it’s not legally wrong. You’re not blood relatives. It’s a question of morals, I guess, wether you find it a turn-off to be with your adoptive brother, but I have little-to-no moral compass. You’re off the hook with me,” Five said. Allison smiled at him.

“Why don’t we just hang out? The two of us?” Allison questioned. “I’ve been waiting for you to ask for weeks,” Five said, rolling his eyes. “So, where to?” she asked, pulling out her keys. “Actually, I’d really like to meet Claire.”

The two of them booked a flight for the next day to go to Allison’s place in California.

“And what? You’re just gonna go? Were you going to tell us?” Luther demanded, pushing his chicken around. “We’re telling you now,” Five said, shoveling green beans into his mouth. “Hey, we’re going to Los Angeles to see Allison’s kid. Hope you don’t miss us all too much.” Allison giggled.

“What about your chores?” Luther pressed. “Oh, shut up. I’ll do them. Quit being such a tight ass,” Diego groaned, picking up his fork. “Best brother ever,” Allison said, enunciating every word. Diego grinned. “You didn’t invite anyone else?” Vanya asked. 

“You can come too, if you’d like. We bought the whole row so we have an extra seat,” Allison shrugged. “Is that alright with you?” Vanya asked Five. “Why wouldn’t it be?” he replied, stopping the centrifugal force of the fork to his mouth. His sister shrugged. “You’re a little volatile.” 

“Volatile? I’m not volatile! If anything-,” he began, his voice raised. He stopped himself short of going after her ruthlessly just to hurt her feelings. “Yeah, he’s not volatile. Just angry,” Klaus added, loading a roasted potato on his fork and shot it at Diego. Diego sent back a green bean.

“Fucking children,” Five groaned under his breath. “Yes, you can come to California with Allison and I. I would love for you to be there.” Everyone looked to him, surprised. “What?” he demanded.

“You said you wanted us to be with you somewhere doing something,” Diego said. “I do things,” Five said defensively. His expression bordered on disgust. “Not with us,” Luther said. Five suddenly felt a sinking feeling in his stomach.

“I’m trying, okay?” he mumbled. He stood up quickly, the wooden chair he was sitting in rubbed back harshly on the rug. He left his plate and fork in the sink before stomping up to his room.

There was a full half hour before anyone came to look for him. He could’ve made his way to Guatemala by then, but thankfully he was just reading some Mary Beard.

A knock rang out from his door. “Come in,” he said, turning a page. “Hey.” Vanya.

“Hey. Did you know that women in Ancient Rome dyed their hair?” Five asked her. “Really?” she replied, and Five couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic or serious so he carried on. “It was often done with goat fat and beach wood ashes. Somehow this produced the ever-popular redheads and blondes.”

Vanya crossed the threshold to sit next to her brother. “How do you do it?” she asked, bouncing her leg once. “Do what?” he asked. “Keep all fo that information in your head,” she clarified, pushing a piece of hair behind her ear. “I think I have some sort of eidetic memory,” he replied. She smiled. “I wouldn’t be surprised.”

There was a short pause, but Five didn’t enjoy a bored silence, because silence only meant bad things. “Who sent you up here?” he asked. “Nobody,” she said, shaking her head. “I came here myself. I wanted to thank you for saying you wanted me to come with you and Allison to meet Claire. It means a lot, and it would have even if you didn’t say it in front of everyone else.”

“I really do want you to come,” Five whispered. “I know you do, I know you do,” Vanya said. “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you,” he continued. “Embarrass me? Five, look at me,” she said, and he listened. “You chose me of all people to come with you. I’m honored. In fact, I truly do feel like a badass. Me? I’m just Vanya. But you chose me. And I’m excited to go.”

Before he knew it, Five was hugging Vanya. “You’re not  _just Vanya_ ,  okay? You’re my sister and my friend. You’re a good person,” he said. She pulled away with tears streaming down her cheeks. “You’re more than volatile, Five. I’m sorry I said that,” Vanya said, wiping at her face. “Don’t be, its true. I’m sorry for it showing,” he said.

“Thank you,” she smiled. “But really, there’s no need to apologize. We’re all healing,” she said. Five couldn’t help but think how much warmth he felt hugging her. “Healing,” he said, chuckling. Vanya sent him a look. “I never thought I’d live long enough to heal. Reginald, The Commission, all of it. It feels so upfront and so foreign at the same time.”

Vanya cupped Five’s cheek. “You’re gonna be just fine,” she said.

Before she left, she planted a kiss on Five’s forehead. “Keep me updated on your book, Five,” she had said. What she had meant was  _goodnight, I love you, I’ll see you in the morning_.

Five laid back on his bed and stared up to the ceiling. The blackboard paint was full of chalk equations and Five’s erratic thoughts. He couldn’t stand the sight of it. He stood up and headed downstairs to the library.

When he got down there, he found the comfiest chaise lounge and plopped down on it. He kept reading for as long as he could before his mind shut down.

The next morning, he woke up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee.

Five opened one eye to the sight of the massive shelves and upward stories of the library. He looked over to see Diego sitting on the bergère across from him. “Coffee?” he grunted out. Diego pointed to the vintage French trunk suitcase serving as their table.

“Iced. Just how you like it,” Diego said, withholding his judgement. Five sat up immediately and reached out for his drink like a sugar-craved child. “Go ahead, say it,” Five said around his straw. “It’s almost November, man,” Diego winced, eyeing up the iced coffee.

“We don’t all enjoy scalding bean water,” Five shrugged, downing a good portion of the drink in one go. “Oh, so when it’s iced bean water it’s fine?” Diego asked. Five nodded like it was obvious.

“I came in here to wake you up for your trip. Your plane leaves in a couple of hours,” Diego said. “Shit!” Five exclaimed, dropping his book. “It’s fine, go pack. Allison wants you to meet her and Vanya on the street in half an hour,” his brother said. “Thank you, for the coffee and the alarm clock,” Five said before rushing off to his room.

“What’s gotten into that kid?” Diego asked himself.

Five ran into Klaus on the stairs. “Whoa, whoa, what’s the rush?” Klaus asked him. “I don’t have time to answer stupid questions,” Five said, pushing past him. “What deems this specific question stupid?” Klaus asked, keeping up with Five’s pace.

Five glared at him. “Can you grab my suitcase? I can’t reach it,” he asked, pointing to the top rack of his closet. “Oh, you’re going to Cali! I forgot, sorry. I actually didn’t think you’d go through with it,” Klaus rambled. “Suitcase,” Five said sternly. Klaus held his hands up in defense and reached for the suitcase.

Five couldn’t say that the somewhat incest-y thing Allison and Luther had going on had never crossed his mind as a viable option. Ben had been his first kiss, before shit hit the fan. Diego always looked hot in his strappy knife holder. Neither Vanya nor Allison had crossed his mind more than once, so Five didn’t feel the need to worry over them. But Klaus? Klaus was the center of Five’s every wet dream. 

And here, standing before Five as if he were innocent of anything made Five want to be manhandled into bed.

“Here you go,” Klaus said, handing Five the pathetic little wheely thing. Five averted his gaze from Klaus’ once-exposed stomach. “Thanks,” he said, turning to grab some clothes from the other side of his closet. “Wow, you put your pants on hangers too?” Klaus asked, picking up a pair of slacks. Five snatched it from him and shoved in it his suitcase.

“There’s not a pair of jeans or shorts in sight,” Klaus continued. “I find jeans unprofessional and shorts distracting,” Five said, zipping up his luggage. “A, unprofessional? You’re going to meet your niece. B, distracting? On who?” Klaus pressed, laughing at the end. Five went red but steeled himself. “It’s okay, you can say it’s me.”

“Goodbye, Klaus,” Five said, walking out of his room towards the stairs. “Bye, babe! Have fun on your trip! Think of me!” Klaus called after him.

Five was crammed between Allison and Vanya in the back of a taxi on the way to JFK International. “Did you know that it wasn’t always named John F. Kennedy International Airport?” Five asked. “As far as I’m concerned, it always was JFK,” the cabbie answered.

“I didn’t, did you, Allison?” Vanya asked. “I did not. What was it called before?” Allison asked. “Idlewild Airport. It was named after a beach. It relieved a lot of LaGuardia’s stress of being New York’s hub,” Five answered.

“What kind of encyclopedia are you?” the cabbie asked. Allison eyed Vanya and Five, who stared back at her innocently. “I would rumor, but I don’t know how to without it affecting you two,” she finally decided.

“I hate New York,” Five groaned, sliding down in his seat. “Hey, don’t say that! It’s the best city on Earth,” the cab driver insisted. “Sir, have you ever been to Rome?” Five asked him, leaning forward in his seat to be near the man’s ear. The man shook his head. “Then how cold you possibly say New York is the best city? That’s a fallacy.”

“I’d be kind to the man who’s taking us where we need to go,” Vanya said in her best medial tone. “I honeymooned there once. Motherfucker,” Five groaned under his breath, leaning back again. “You’ve been married?” Allison asked. “More than once?” Vanya added on.

They exited the car as quick as possible to get away from the taxi driver’s odd stares. 

“Okay, so, you haven’t told us much about Claire,” Vanya said, biting into her gyro from the food court. “I’ve told you as much is normal,” Allison defended, sipping her smoothie. “We’re not the epitome of normal, Allison,” Five said, slamming himself down in the third seat at their table with his McNuggets.

“Child,” Vanya said offhandedly. Five stuck out his tongue before inhaling his fries. “She’s five. She loves all things pink, something I hope she never grows out of. She’s a real genius, she knows basic Spanish and is learning viola,” Allison said. “She sounds amazing,” Vanya smiled.

“I’m just here to spend time with my sisters,” Five said, sipping his Sprite. They glared at him. “Fine, fine,” he laughed. “I’m really excited to meet her, Allison,” he said more sincerely. “She’ll be excited to meet you both, too,” Allison replied happily.

Their flight didn’t feel like it was almost six hours long. Five wasn’t awake for all but thirty minutes of the entire thing, but it didn’t disregard the entire flight time. Vanya was comforting a panicked Allison when he woke up.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Landing is my worst nightmare,” Allison answered. “Don’t you have to take private flights all the time for work? How do you deal with it then?” Five asked. “Xannies, Five, Xanax. Lots,” she said, sounding like she was seconds away from strangling Five with her own two hands.

“But she doesn’t need that because we’re here with her. Right, Allison?” Vanya asked. “Ungratefully so, yes,” Allison answered, grabbing Vanya’s hand tightly.

“Here’s something to maybe make you feel better: does Klaus call everyone  _babe_ ?” Five asked, popping a peanut into his mouth. “Kinda,” Vanya answered. “He’s called us all that,” Allison answered. Five hmph’ed.

“Why? Did he call you that?” Allison asked. “Yeah, and I genuinely thought he was flirting with me,” Five answered, his mouth full of peanuts. “Oh, he was. He just flirts with everyone. If you don’t like it, just look past it,” Vanya advised. “Yeah, yeah I guess,” Five nodded. “Well, he did call Diego that once and then they slept with each other, so you don’t have to look past it if you don’t want to,” Allison added.

“They what?” Vanya asked. “Yeah, they what?” Five asked. Allison giggled. “You two are so sweet. Diego’s a whore. Klaus is a flirt. What else could’ve happened?” she said. “Diego’s a whore?” Five asked. “Oh, it’s so fun when you don’t know something,” Allison replied.

“Honestly, it makes sense. If not Klaus and Ben, Klaus and Diego,” Vanya conceded. “Klaus and Luther,” Allison laughed. Vanya let out a restrained chuckle and Five quirked a smile. “I wouldn’t put it past Klaus to have a thing for bigger men, though,” Vanya said.

“I kissed Ben,” Five blurted. His sisters looked at him in shock. “We were nine. It was to just see what kissing was like. There wasn’t much there, but he’s a good sport.” Allison covered her mouth. “Oh my god, do I need to make out with you? To get it over with?” she asked.

“I’d prefer if neither of you kissed me,” Five said. “Oh, so you’re...,” Vanya half-asked. “I’m bi, I just have a preference for men. That, and I don’t think I could stomach getting either of you pregnant,” he answered. “A make-out gets no one pregnant,” Allison scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Hey! We landed!”

Allison’s apartment was silent when they entered. She immediately toed her shoes off at the door and threw her keys in the otherwise empty bowl on the entranceway table. Vanya followed suit, leaving Five at the door to head into the kitchen after her sister. Five just sighed and tediously untied his Vans.

“Do you have any tequila?” he asked, walking into the kitchen. Vanya and Allison both held full wine glasses. Five stared at them, and they stared back. “Tequila?” he repeated. “Of course I have tequila,” Allison said, sliding a Patrón bottle over to Five. “There’s a mix in the pantry and glasses in the cabinet by the fridge.”

Five made himself a quick margarita to the soundtrack of 70s rock. Neither Vanya nor Allison were talking, they just sipped at their drinks. “Alright, am I going to have to tell you my secrets to make you two loosen up?” Five asked, sipping his barely-limed tequila.

“No, but the secrets would be good for relationship repairing,” Allison said. “More of the  _I kissed Ben_ variety, please,” Vanya said.

Fuck Allison for teaching Vanya how to gossip, Five thought.

“Alright, but only if you two tell me one of your matching secrets. I’ve already told one,” he said. “Luther and I are looking into marriage,” Allison said quickly. Vanya hesitated. “I kissed Ben, too,” she said quietly. “Bitch, no way!” Allison said, smiling coyly.

“Is that it?” he asked. “I meant juicy shit. Like shock me to the core confessions, not pansy-ass excuses of a confession.” Allison glared at him, but Vanya stared at him cagily. “We’re looking into marriage because I had a pregnancy scare,” Allison said. Vanya choked on her drink. “Now that’s more like it!” Five grinned, holding his arms up.

“Not something to celebrate, Five. Luther greyed over it. What we’d tell you all,” she said. “Does he not know we know?” Five asked. “He likes to pretend you don’t,” she said. Vanya snorted. “He’s like a big baby around you, how does he not realize we’re not clueless?” she asked. Allison shrugged.

“Not to dampen the mood or anything, but I was groomed by my boss to have sex with her as my job at the Commission. In all of my bodies, and she made me try at least four of them. Especially when I was thirteen,” Five said, shrugging. He’d never told anyone that. Strangely, it felt more raw and real now that he’d admitted it happened than when he was hiding it.

“Oh, Five,” Allison said, looking at him with pity. “I’m glad you trusted us to tell us that,” Vanya said. “It kind of feels good to say out loud,” he laughed. “Like it’s real. That what she did was bad. She always told me I was overreacting,” he said.

“And you’re a survivor. I can empathize,” Allison said. “Me too,” Vanya frowned. “I know. It’s all too common for women, or at all. But I know it’s mostly women who are affected by harassment,” Five said, downing the rest of his drink. “Honey, that’s not just harassment...,” Allison trailed off.

Nobody wanted to name it. Five shared little to nothing about himself, and triggering him would scare him off. Neither Vanya nor Allison wanted that.

“The day I turned eighteen I went to Canada and got high with strangers,” Vanya shared. “Was it everything Klaus said it is?” Five asked. “No,” she admitted, laughing. “It was horrible. I saw everything crooked for weeks. I don’t know what I took, so I couldn’t warn you against anything in particular.”

They chatted for hours into the daylight. It felt good, learning about Five’s sisters as more than the famous one and the outcast one. It felt good to tell them things, too.

Every single one of his nerves was on fire as his mind screamed for him to run away as fast as he could and disappear. It took everything to remember that Vanya had said  _we’re all healing_ and that it was true. Nobody was really okay yet, and that was okay.

The three of them pushed through their sleepiness to go grab coffee in the city. Allison promised that they could get whatever they wanted and she would pay, but they all reminded her that their wallets were as heavy as hers now.

They walked aimlessly around L.A. until Allison got a text that Claire was home from school and they could come see her. Vanya called an Uber excitedly and Five bit his straw. “You’re gonna be okay, she’s like-able.”

When they walked into Allison’s ex’s apartment, everything felt coldly girly. The walls were a bland tan, but there were glitter paintings strung up everywhere. The decoration was masculine and modern, but there was a little pink chair in front of the couch in the living room.

Five chose to sit there as he waited for Claire. Vanya rested her hands in his hair and combed through it anxiously. Allison just had a bright smile painted across her face.

Claire ran in and jumped in to her mother’s arms. “Mommy! Mommy! You’re here!” Claire exclaimed. “Oh! My baby! How are you?” Allison asked, cradling her. Five looked up at Vanya as his other sister and her daughter made small talk.

“Do you know who I brought with me?” Allison asked Claire. Claire shook her head. “It’s Vanya, and Five. You aunt and uncle,” Allison said. Claire immediately flung her arms around Vanya’s neck. “It’s so nice to meet you,” Vanya said, smiling brightly.

“Five!” Claire exclaimed, moving to hug him. He hugged her back hesitantly. “Claire!” he said back, trying to not push her away. “Come see my dollhouse,” she whispered, grabbing Five’s hand and dragging him to her room.

They stayed for about four hours before Vanya started to crash and they needed to head home to sleep.

Five saw Allison frowning as she looked out of the window of the Uber on the way back to her apartment. “It has to be tough to not see her often,” he said offhandedly. Vanya peered one eye at him suspiciously from her spot across Allison’s lap, but she closed it when her sister placed a hand on her forehead.

“I chose it that way,” Allison whispered. “You didn’t. You would never  _choose it that way_ , ” Five spat. “Patrick made it impossible for you to be a human being.” Allison had tears in her eyes. “I miss her so much,” she whispered, letting a tear fall. “Trust me, I know. I know what it’s like. Please don’t beat yourself up over this,” Five pleaded. Allison said nothing more as she nodded and looked out of her window.

When they arrived back at Allison’s apartment, Allison woke Vanya up and helped her in the door. Five just followed, and closed the door behind him quietly. Vanya stalked off to the guest room and crashed in her jeans.

Allison plopped herself down on the couch. “Was she everything you hoped?” she asked, watching as Five sat next to her and curled his legs inward. “She’s just like you,” Five admitted, half-smiling. “So she’s perfect?” Allison laughed, undoing her hair tie. Five chuckled and nodded.

There was a small silence, but similarly to Five, silence felt scalding to Allison.

“Do you want Klaus to call you babe?” she asked quietly. Five thought for a second. “If I did, it wouldn’t be a him-and-Diego type of deal. It’d be more,” he answered. Allison snorted. “Okay, Crypt Keeper. I just wanted to know if your moral compass would allow you to do what I’m doing.”

“I told you I kissed Ben,” he defended. “It’s Ben,” Allison rolled her eyes. “Luther almost got me pregnant. As in, with child. I already had a child, and she calls him uncle. I don’t think she needs to call him stepdad just yet.” Five smiled, then began to flat-out laugh. “What?” Allison demanded. 

“You almost had Luther’s baby,” he said, unable to stop laughing. “Shut up,” she said without malice. She was unable to keep in her own laughter.

“Seriously though, could you see yourself with Klaus?” Allison asked. “Could I? Yes. Do I want to? Kind of. Should I? Not really,” Five answered.“But you’d fuck him,” Allison asked, not really asking. “I mean, I guess? I’m more of the type of person to be private about those things, though,” he said, rubbing his leg. “I’m sorry for prying,” Allison said. 

Five shook his head. “Besides, I don’t need to fuck him to know he just looks like pure sex,” he said, trying to hold back a smile. “I just don’t see it,” Allison winced. Five laughed at her. “Sometimes I wish I couldn’t.”

They woke up the next morning to Vanya shaking them both awake.

“C’mon, you two. Time for breakfast,” she said. Allison pulled her down on the couch and cuddled into her. “Sleep,” Allison said, her voice raspy. “I’m actually just hungry,” Vanya shrugged, rolling over to face Allison.

“Is there going to be coffee at breakfast?” Five asked, his eyes still shut tight. “When is there not coffee at breakfast?” Vanya asked as if it were obvious. “Allison wake up,” Five said, sitting straight up.

They got such a late start in the day that by the time they were fully ready to leave the house, they had to head to LAX.

“I didn’t have enough time to read about this one,” Five admitted. Allison laughed. “We’ve lived in New York for so long it’s almost like everywhere else is foreign,” she said. “I know my way around Cardiff better than I know my way around New York City,” Five admitted. “Is that so?” Vanya asked. Five nodded. “We’ll have to go sometime.”

When they arrived back at JFK, Luther and Diego were there to pick them up. “It’s been, like, a day,” Allison smiled, walking over to hug Luther. He hugged her back tightly. “I still missed you,” he said.

Diego grabbed Vanya’s bag for her and let Five put his own luggage in the trunk. “It’s very sexist of you to not to grab my bags too,” Five complained. “Not sexist, you’re just a little shit. Next time, Five,” Diego said before he slammed the trunk shut and headed to the passenger seat. “Asshole,” Five whispered to himself as he followed his brother. 

Klaus was nowhere to be found when they arrived home. Five wanted to say he wasn’t disappointed, but he was working on his pathological lying. Allison found Five in Klaus’ room, sitting on his bed.

“I’m gonna guess you don’t know where he is and you’re worried about him,” she said, leaning on the doorframe. “I’m scared out of my mind,” Five said, laughing breathily. “I didn’t know I could be this scared about someone who is made from flesh and blood.” Allison smiled. “Delores made you feel this way?” she asked.

“Of course she did, I loved her,” Five said, creasing his eyebrows. “Maybe you love Klaus, too. Didjya ever think about that?” Allison asked. Five went quiet. “I’ve never loved anyone who’s been flesh and blood like this, Allison,” he said, looking into her eyes. “I mean, I’m the least bit compassionate towards you all, but that’s because I have to. Klaus is just... I’m so worried about him all the time.”

“He’s on his way home. You should tell him all this,” Allison said. “I don’t know how,” Five admitted. “You have a big brain, use it,” she said, smiling as she turned to go downstairs. What Five knew she meant was  _you’ll get though this, I love you no matter what, we’ll be okay_.

Five buried his face in his hands and thought.

Footsteps came up the steps and down the hall. “Hey, Five. I heard you were looking for me, presumably to apologize for how you didn’t compliment my ass in jorts,” Klaus said, dropping a greasy paper bag on his nightstand. Five stood up next to Klaus quickly. “Are you alright, man? You look scared,” Klaus asked, placing his hands on Five’s shoulders.

“Did you know that Romans had their own version of a breathalyzer test?” Five asked, and kept going without letting Klaus answer. “They would kiss at the end of the day, to see if their partner tasted of alcohol. If they did, they’d been drinking a lot longer than normal.”

Klaus looked confused. “Okay...,” he said nervously. Five leaned in and kissed him, placing his hand on Klaus’ cheek. Klaus was too stunned to kiss back, and by the time he had gotten his wits about him, Five had pulled away. “You’re not drunk,” he announced, looking from Klaus’ lips to his eyes.

“No shit, I went for a burger,” Klaus replied, still in shock. “I’m sorry,” Five said, then warped to his room.

“Wait, shouldn’t we talk about this?” Klaus yelled down the hall. “Talk about what?” Diego asked, coming up behind him. He wrapped an arm around Klaus’ waist and kissed his neck. “Nothing, come in,” Klaus said, staring down the hall to Five’s room.

Five warped to Allison’s room. “God, you can’t do that!” she exclaimed, pulling her shirt back down. “Go ahead and change, I won’t look,” he said, turning to face the wall as his eyes scrunched up. “I’m so glad we had the conversation about attraction.” She sighed deeply but changed anyways. “Decent,” she said unhappily, and Five turned around.

“I kissed him,” Five said matter-of-factly. “Oh my god, did you tell him you love him?” she asked excitedly. “It didn’t come up,” he shrugged. “Oh, but kissing did?” Allison said sarcastically.

“Look, I’m not the most poetic person, not even in this house. I did what I knew how to do,” he said, putting his hands up. “Which was what?” Allison asked, crossing her arms. “I told him facts and then kissed him,” Five said as if it were obvious. Allison scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“Tell me what you told him,” she said. “I told him about Roman breathalyzers, how they just kissed their partners to see if they tasted of alcohol,” Five shrugged. Allison stared at him like he had three heads. “What?” he demanded. “You breathalyzered Klaus?” she exclaimed.

“I didn’t know what else to say!” Five exclaimed back. “How about  _hey, I really felt something when you called me babe and I’d like to take it slow with you so for now can we just kiss_? ” Allison said. “Oh, rich, coming from you,” Five spat. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Allison demanded.

“Hey!” Diego exclaimed from outside of the door. The room went silent as he entered. “Could you keep it down? You’re ruining the mood,” he said. He was shirtless and his belt was undone. “Sorry we’re talking over your sexploits,” Five said sarcastically. “Thank you,” Diego nodded before leaving and closing the door behind him.

Five looked Allison directly in the eye.

“Diego and Klaus, huh?” he asked, scowling. “Five, I’m so sorry-,” Allison began, but Five had already gone back to his own room.

Five spent his free time in the library for the most part. He read books upon books of all genres, even picking up some German on Rosetta Stone. All he wanted was to drown out the thoughts of Diego and Klaus, and everything he’d told his sisters on their trip.

“I’m too young to buy it myself,” Five said, sliding over a one hundred dollar bill. He was trying unsuccessfully to get Luther to buy him tequila. “No amount of Ben Franklins will make me want to buy you alcohol any more than I already want to,” Luther said. “You want to?” Five asked excitedly. “I don’t want to. You’re not changing my mind.”

“Allison gave me tequila,” Five said, shrugging. “I’ll just ask her to go buy it, then.” Luther chuckled. “Fine. Give me the damn money,” he said, going into the liquor store.

He came back with two bottles of Patrón and margarita mixes. “You’re going to make good margaritas and you’re going to share,” Luther said, handing Five the bags in the passenger seat. Five smiled crookedly. “Sure thing, space boy.”

Vanya caught the two of them in the parlor singing sixties pop songs, both drunk as skunks. “Okay, that’s more than enough for the both of you,” she said, grabbing the blender of margarita from Luther’s hand. “But we haven’t even gotten tipsy,” he pouted. “We’re more than tipsy,” Five laughed, hiccuping.

“Both of you need to go sit in your rooms and get ahold of yourselves. Go. Now. Don’t let Klaus see you,” Vanya said, pointing to the staircase. The two of them stumbled up the stairs to their rooms as told. Vanya, feeling accomplished and badass, took a sip of the margarita from the blender.

Five walked passed Diego’s room and stopped only to see Klaus on his lap, sans his shirt. Five felt pervy watching them make out, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away. He laughed loudly.

“Christ, Five. You can’t just show up like that,” Klaus said, climbing off of Diego to clamber for his shirt. “I just find it so funny that you two are together,” Five said, shrugging. He laid his head on the doorframe. “Why?” Diego asked suspiciously. Five laughed again.

“I don’t know,” he said, sounding amused with himself. “I’m in love with Klaus. Like, _big time_. More than I’ve loved anyone before,” he admitted, his words slurring. Klaus stared in horror, whereas Diego just fumed.

“What business do you have coming in here drunk to say that?” Diego asked, voice raised. Allison came out of her room to see Five stumble backwards and hit the wall behind him. “It’s just funny,” Five said, laughing at himself again. Klaus looked close to tears.

“Five!” Allison called, and he immediately looked at her. “Come here,” she demanded, and he stumbled down to her open doorway. Diego slammed his door shut.

“What was that?” Allison asked Five. “A shitshow,” he said, smiling. His smile slowly faded. “He’s never going to forgive me, is he?” Five asked, looking up into Allison’s eyes. “Come here,” she said, shaking her head and she opened her arms.

Five felt safe enveloped in her hug. His skin was on fire, his brain screamed for it to stop, but he pushed that to the side and just enjoyed the physical contact. “I have to let go now or I’m going to puke on your shoulder,” Five said. Allison let go quickly and he ran to the hall bathroom to throw up in the toilet.

For the entirety of the next day, Five stayed in his room. He laid in bed reading for hours without getting up to go to the bathroom or to eat. Only Allison was allowed in.

“Hey, I brought you some dinner,” she said softly, bringing a tray of food into his room. He sat up and put his book on his night stand. “Thanks,” he said, the first word he’d said all day. “How are you?” Allison asked, watching her brother scarf down spaghetti.

“Apparently a lot hungrier than I thought,” he said. Alison sent him a look. “Ashamed. Embarrassed.” She sat down on the bed next to him on his bed. “Klaus has been worried about you,” she whispered. “Why? Doesn’t he have Diego?” Five asked.

“Diego told Klaus it was okay if he wanted to be with you. He knew Klaus wanted more than what they’re doing, and Diego just can’t give any more right now,” Allison said. “I’m not a second choice,” Five protested. “I don’t think Klaus sees you as second. He’s always liked you the most,” she said, the side of her mouth curling upwards. 

Five just stared at Allison. “What do I do, Allison?” he asked. “I can send him in here, or you could go to him,” she said. “Could you send him in here?” Five asked. “Yeah, of course. I’ll go right now,” Allison said softly, patting his leg before standing up.

A few minutes later, Klaus was standing in his doorway.

“Hey,” he said, crossing his arms. “Hey, come sit,” Five said, pulling his legs back. He patted his duvet. “I don’t- I don’t know if I should,” Klaus said, tapping his toes. “Look, I’m sorry for yesterday. I’m an ass. But let me make it up to you,” Five pleaded.

Klaus walked into Five’s room and shut the door carefully. “How? How could you possibly make this better?” he demanded. “I-I don’t know. I haven’t thought it through yet. But I’ll find some way,” Five said.

Klaus looked around the room. “Your walls are so busy,” he said. “Yeah. It’s hard to sleep,” Five replied, wiping a number out of an equation on the wall next to him.

Klaus finally sat down on the bed at Five’s feet. “You don’t have to make anything up to me,” he said. Five just stared back at him. “I don’t?” he asked. “I mean, you were being assholish, being drunk in front of me,” Klaus said, quirking his head to the side. “I know, I’m so sorry, I didn’t meant to hurt your feelings-.”

“Save that, please. It’s not that big of a deal. Just... try to be more careful?” Klaus asked. Five nodded dutifully. “As for the other thing...,” Klaus trailed. Five mentally prepared himself for rejection, for pain, and how to compartmentalize it.

“You realize that we’re all kinds of fucked up, Five?” Klaus asked, looking up to the ceiling. A particularly large graph took up most of the space there. “Just us?” Five questioned. Klaus frowned at him.

“Hargreeveses. We’re fucked in the head. We can’t form normal emotional attachments, we all have mommy and daddy issues, and we’re getting our compensation now, of all times.” Five held back a snarky comment about Carl Jung. “Vanya helped me come to terms with it. She said  _we’re healing_.  Sounded like a load of bullshit. I never thought I’d be on Earth long enough to heal.”

Klaus’ eyes filled with sympathy. “Overdose or suicide,” he conceded. “Killed in action or suicide,” Five said grimly.

“So what do we do?” Klaus asked. “To heal.”

“We start over. We do what normal people do, we learn to be okay. I hadn’t hugged anyone in fifty-eight years until I hugged Vanya two days ago, and now I see why you all do it all the time. I’ve hugged Allison like, three times,” Five said. “What’s your deal with imprinting on her, by the way?” Klaus asked, chuckling. “Honestly, she just was there for me. She invested time into me, not number five, not Five Hargreeves the assassin,  me . She’s sisterly. It’s comforting.”

“I could be brotherly,” Klaus said. “I love you and Allison in very different ways,” Five said, fighting a smile. Klaus smiled a little, too. “So we’ll cuddle. And we’ll hug. And we’ll go to the children’s museum and the beach and Disneyworld,” Klaus said. “Actually, I’d really like to go to Cardiff.”

The Hargreeves family never looked very much like a family.

Diego was dressed as he always ways, full black adorned with leather knife harnesses. Luther dressed like anyone else, but was almost seven feet tall, so he stuck out like a sore thumb. Vanya had a simple jeans and sweater on, wanting the opposite of Luther. As always, Allison wore her celebrity-worthy, name-brand clothes, none of which Five knew the actual names of. Five wore something similar to Vanya, but he looked more natural in it, less swamped in fabric and more stylish. And in Five’s expert opinion, Klaus looked the best, wearing slacks and a disco shirt.

The six of them looked up to their beautiful hotel in the center of Cardiff. Klaus grabbed Five’s hand and led the way inside, followed by a coupled up Luther and Allison, then Diego and Vanya, who had become a lot closer in the past few weeks.

They all checked in, two rooms with queen beds and one with two fulls.

As soon as Five and Klaus were in their room, Klaus jumped up on the bed. “Five, you’ve got to feel this thing,” he said, falling down on his ass. “I’m alright,” Five smiled briefly, then checked out the bathroom and around the room. “Stop being so paranoid,” Klaus said, hooking his fingers in Five’s belt loops.

Five stood between Klaus’ open legs where he was sitting on the bed. Klaus placed his hand on Five’s lower back, pulling him as close as possible. “I’m just making sure the room is secure,” Five whispered. “That’s your training, love. We’re safe,” Klaus said. Five placed his hands on Klaus’ cheeks, then brushed a piece of hair from his eyes.

“I wish it was that easy to believe,” Five said. “I won’t be able to sleep if I don’t check.” Klaus placed his hand on the bottom of Five’s jaw, pulling Five’s face down level to his own. They kissed softly before Klaus pulled away. “Look all you want, but you better end up in bed with me.”

Later that night, Five guided his siblings around the city. They went to dinner, then the strolled along the Bay.

“Wales’s gorgeous this time of year,” Luther commented, squeezing Allison’s waist tightly. She smiled up at him sweetly. Klaus swung his and Five’s hands back and forth violently. “It’s fucking freezing,” Vanya said. Everyone laughed.

The family was only there for a few more days, but they enjoyed every second of the trip. When they arrived back in New York City, they were happy to be home.

Five’s walls were scrubbed clean before they had left, but he had forgotten while they were away.

He stopped in his doorway and stared at his walls. “What’s wrong?” Klaus asked, wrapping an arm around Five’s waist from behind and kissing his cheek. “The walls... they’re empty,” Five said. “Yeah, we cleaned them before we left... Do I need to get you checked for dementia?” Klaus asked.

“No, shut up,” Five said, smacking Klaus’ cheek lightly. “Ow,” Klaus said softly, rubbing his face.

“It’s blank. The walls are blank,” Five repeated. He looked at Klaus and smiled. “I’m gonna have to check you in to a ward,” Klaus sighed, shaking his head. “No, no. You’re missing the point. It’s all new, everything’s fresh. It’s literally a clean slate,” Five said, smiling brightly.

“Ooh, just keep smiling. You have  the cutest dimple,” Klaus said, kissing the dimple, then pressed a soft kiss on Five’s lips. Five rolled his eyes but kissed back, holding Klaus near to him. “It’s healing, Klaus. _Healing_.”

“I love you, Five. With or without chalk equations all over the place,” Klaus said. Five smiled gently. “I love you too, Klaus. Now hold me as I sleep because I’m exhausted,” he aid, dragging Klaus over to his bed. He all but fell into it. Klaus laughed and spooned Five from behind.

If you were to ask Five how he ended up committing to a loving relationship after all he’d been through, his answer would be a guarded, safe one. Something that if you told the New York Times about it, it wouldn’t be too Earth shattering.

_Healing. It’s all in the healing_.  And it was as simple as that. 

**Author's Note:**

> lauv by lauv 🥵 
> 
> no but seriously i hope this was okay


End file.
